He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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