Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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