My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
