Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
