tell your sister to shave her snatch
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
