I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
