I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
