I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
