My friends, they love my intelligence
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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