We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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