my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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