I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The struggles of a small town man whore
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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