Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
