So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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