I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
