We won't sleep together?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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