If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
