I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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