420 ftw
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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