I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
