I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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