I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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