Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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