$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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