I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
