I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
