he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You're like the curious george of whores
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
