So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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