every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
