Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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