I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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