i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
