Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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