WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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