i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
