Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
