what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
