I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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