wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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