I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
