if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
