Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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