Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
