shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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