oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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