rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
