I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
