fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
