the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
