I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
