i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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