I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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