I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
