I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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